Red Flags: What are they and What to do when you notice them?
Red flags are warning signs of unhealthy behavior. They can be manipulative or abusive, and they can also be warning signs for future behavior.
Healthy relationships can be hard to identify. Is this person putting up a boundary or are they intentionally hurting me?
If you have to ask for basic human kindness or respect, that is a red flag. If your partner calls all the shots and insists on you giving up complete control, that is a red flag. If you don’t trust your partner with information out of fear they will share it with others to purposely hurt you, that is a red flag.
Sometimes red flags are the exact piece that attracts us. The characteristics that attract us aren’t always the best for a healthy relationship. These can include overconfidence or even lack of communication.
Trust your gut.
Your body often knows something is wrong before your mind does. If you feel on edge around this person or even anxious, trust that. Now, this is not to say that some anxiety isn’t okay. It is very normal to be nervous going on a first date or getting to know someone new. If this feels like something that doesn’t decrease while you are with them or even increases when you are alone, this can be a red flag.
We know that excitement in relationships a lot of times is about the unknown. The newness of relationships, in this case red flags, can be very inviting and sometimes confusing. What attracts us initially is sometimes not what we are looking for long term.
What are some examples of Red Flags?
Sometimes you might feel the need to “prove” something. For example, if you think you can win someone over by doing things that are normally out of character for you, that person is using manipulation and is likely enticing you with “the chase”.
Common red flags:
Insulting you (which can be followed by a compliment, also called negging).
Example: “That’s great you got a promotion at work, too bad you still don’t make as much as me”.
Sharing information about you that they shouldn’t
Telling their friends about the things you are struggling with
Lack of basic respect
“You’re stupid.” which can be followed up with, “It was a joke. Calm down.”
Ignoring your boundaries consistently
“I don’t know why you get so mad about me being on my phone at dinner, you know I have to work”.
Wanting to spend all their time with you (and getting mad if you can’t)
“I guess you just hate me and don’t want to see me anymore.”
This can involve removing you from social circles
Anger management problems (punching holes in the wall, picking fights etc)
Gaslighting (denying reality and making you question yourself)
Example: “That didn’t happen, you are making that up.”
Another red flag is someone who dismisses you, degrades you or ignores you. If you spend time with them and their friends and they act like they don’t know you, this is a red flag. Acknowledgement of someone’s existence falls under basic human respect.
What are some Green Flags?
It is also important to recognize green flags. These are things that show this person is interested in you.
Going out of their way to make you feel comfortable in new social situations
Consistent communication
Validation of your feelings
Respecting boundaries
Having their own hobbies and interests
Spending time with you
If you feel like you aren’t sure what is a red flag and what isn't, reach out to your trusted friends or family for help. Someone who is not directly involved will be able to see things more clearly.
If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to your friends and family, reach out to a therapist for help. Our relationship therapists can offer support in a safe and non judgmental setting.
For more information check out our page on Relationship Counseling. You can also schedule a free 15 minute consultation call with one of our therapists to help you navigate your concerns.
**If you are unsure if what you are experiencing is abuse, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
