Internalized homophobia is what happens when a lesbian, gay, bisexual or queer person takes in society's negative messages about their sexuality and turns them inward, as shame or discomfort with their own identity. Psychologist Ilan Meyer counts it among the stresses lesbian, gay and bisexual people carry. Research links it to more symptoms of depression and anxiety, and affirming therapy is one place to work on it.
You can be out and proud and still notice it. It might be a flinch when you hold your partner's hand in public. It might be judging someone as "too gay," or feeling you have to be extra good to make up for something. This is for anyone who recognizes moments like these and wants to understand where they come from.
Internalized homophobia isn't a diagnosis, and researchers use the term for stigma a person has absorbed. Putting a name to it can make it easier to question.
What are the signs of internalized homophobia?
Internalized homophobia is sometimes obvious and sometimes subtle, and it shows up differently across a lifetime. You might notice:
- Shame, guilt or anxiety after intimacy or after thinking about your attractions.
- Discomfort with public affection between same-sex couples, including your own relationship.
- Judging other LGBTQIA+ people as "too much," too flamboyant or too visible.
- Hiding your identity in more places than safety requires, and feeling relief when people assume you're straight.
- Believing you deserve less in relationships, work or family because of who you are.
- Pushing yourself to be exceptional so no one finds fault with you.
- Keeping distance from LGBTQIA+ community spaces, or feeling you don't belong there.
- Making jokes at your own expense about being queer before anyone else can.
For bisexual people, the same pattern can show up as worry about not being "gay enough" or "straight enough" for either community. Our guide to compulsory heterosexuality explores how expectations of straightness shape a queer person's sense of self.
Where does internalized homophobia come from?
You may have heard negative messages about being gay, lesbian or bisexual long before you understood your own sexuality. They come through family, religion, school, peers, media and politics, as open hostility or as silence and jokes. Messages absorbed in childhood can turn inward when a person later recognizes their own identity.
Psychologist Ilan Meyer's minority stress model, published in Psychological Bulletin in 2003, explains how stigma, prejudice and discrimination create a stressful social environment that leads to mental health problems in lesbian, gay and bisexual people. The model names several stress processes: experiences of prejudice, expecting rejection, hiding and concealing, and internalized homophobia, along with the coping processes that soften their effects. Our post on minority stress covers the wider model.
If your family responded to LGBTQIA+ people with disgust or rejection, those reactions can become the voice you hear in your own head. Our guide to living with a homophobic family is there if that's part of your story.
How does internalized homophobia affect mental health?
A 2010 meta-analysis combined 31 studies with 5,831 participants and found a small to moderate association. Higher internalized homophobia went with more symptoms of depression and anxiety. The link was stronger for depression than for anxiety, and stronger in studies of older participants.
The same review pointed out a gap in earlier research. Many studies used measures designed for gay men with lesbian samples, which makes the findings for lesbian women less certain than those for gay men.
These findings describe associations across groups and can't predict your own mental health. If you're dealing with depression or anxiety, internalized homophobia may be one part of the picture worth exploring.
How do you unlearn internalized homophobia?
Unlearning internalized homophobia takes time, and these steps give you somewhere to start:
- Notice the critical voice and ask whose it is. When a harsh thought shows up, ask yourself: "Where did I first hear this? Whose words are these?"
- Answer it the way you'd answer a friend who said the same thing about themselves. Try: "There's nothing wrong with who I love. I learned that I should be ashamed, and I don't have to keep believing it."
- Spend time in affirming spaces, such as LGBTQIA+ friendships, community groups, sports leagues or online communities, where you get repeated experiences of being accepted as you are.
- Follow LGBTQIA+ writers, creators and characters whose lives look ordinary and good, and unfollow content that makes you think less of yourself.
- Be visible at your own pace. Small steps, like mentioning your partner at work or wearing something that reflects you, build comfort, and you decide where and when it's safe.
- Notice your judgment of others. When you catch yourself judging another queer person as "too much," pause and ask what that judgment protects in you.
- Write down the messages you grew up with about being gay, lesbian or bisexual, and next to each one, write what you believe now.
How therapy can help with internalized homophobia
Affirming therapy treats your identity as healthy. In therapy, you can trace the messages you absorbed, notice where they still steer your choices and practice answering them, with someone who sees nothing wrong with who you are.
Research on therapy for internalized homophobia itself is limited. In a 2015 randomized trial of 63 young gay and bisexual men, a cognitive behavioral therapy adapted to address minority stress reduced alcohol use problems compared with a waitlist. Depression improved on one of its two measures. Internalized homophobia itself didn't change more than it did for the men on the waitlist. The authors called the support preliminary, so the trial says more about depression and drinking than about internalized homophobia.
It also matters who you work with. Our post on whether your therapist needs to share your identity looks at that question. At Empowered Living Collective, LGBTQIA+ therapy welcomes children, teens, adults and allies of all gender and sexual identities. Sessions last fifty minutes, in person or by video, and for minors, parents and guardians are part of the process.
Frequently asked questions
Do I have internalized homophobia?
If you notice shame, discomfort or harsh judgment about sexuality, in yourself or in other LGBTQIA+ people, internalized homophobia may be part of it. You can notice it even after coming out. It isn't a diagnosis, and a therapist can help you sort out what's yours and what you absorbed.
Is internalized homophobia my fault?
No. It's absorbed from family, religion, school, media and the wider culture, often before you understood your own identity. You're not responsible for learning it, and you can choose to unlearn it.
Is internalized homophobia the same as internalized transphobia?
No. Internalized homophobia is about sexual orientation, and internalized transphobia is about gender identity, though a person can experience both. Each comes from absorbing stigma about who you are, and an affirming therapist can help with either.
How long does it take to overcome internalized homophobia?
There is no set timeline. Affirming relationships, community and, for some people, therapy can help it lessen over time. Old reactions can resurface under stress, and noticing them when they do is part of the work.
Support that affirms you
If you'd like to work with an affirming therapist, you can text or call 720-315-4647 or use the contact form. Mention what you're looking for, and the office can point you to an affirming therapist who's a good fit. We hope you come to feel fully at home in who you are.
Sources
- Meyer IH. Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 2003
- Newcomb ME, Mustanski B. Internalized homophobia and internalizing mental health problems: a meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 2010
- Pachankis JE, Hatzenbuehler ML, Rendina HJ, Safren SA, Parsons JT. LGB-affirmative cognitive-behavioral therapy for young adult gay and bisexual men: a randomized controlled trial of a transdiagnostic minority stress approach. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 2015
This article is for general information and isn't a substitute for professional care. LGBTQIA+ young people can reach The Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386. If you're in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or call 911.
