A Guide to Liberation from Compulsory Heterosexuality
By: Emma Kraby
The term compulsory heterosexuality (often shortened to comphet) was coined by feminist theorist Adrienne Rich in the 1980s and refers to the societal expectation that everyone is assumed to be heterosexual by default. This harmful assumption can have profound effects on our understanding of our own attractions, leading to confusion, internal conflict, and emotional distress. Comphet is what forces non-heterosexual folks to learn the difference between what they’ve been taught to want (opposite sex attraction) and what they do want (anything other than or beyond heterosexuality). In other words, compulsory heterosexuality encompasses all of the cultural, emotional, and material forces pushing people in a heterosexual direction.
It’s easy to feel societal pressure to conform, often overshadowing authentic self-discovery. This struggle is especially salient for the LGBTQIA+ community because these individuals may feel the need to suppress or deny their true attractions and/or identities out of fear of social judgment or rejection. When you exist in an environment where sexualities outside of heterosexuality aren’t discussed or accepted, it’s understandable and common to think branching out is wrong or shameful. Luckily, that is not the case! Let’s explore the harmful effects of comphet and possible coping strategies for navigating this complex issue.
Effects of Compulsory Heterosexuality
Internalized Confusion: Grappling with comphet can lead to internalized confusion around sexual orientation. This confusion may lead to feelings of isolation, alienation, and fear around deviating from society’s heteronormative expectations, which could be preventing you from seeking support or exploring your true self. This is a completely normal experience!
Emotional Distress: Internal conflict from facing comphet can manifest as emotional distress. It makes sense to feel emotions such as anxiety, depression, loneliness, and more when dealing with compulsory heterosexuality. How are we supposed to live, laugh, love in these conditions? The toll comphet takes on mental health may be significant, as you struggle to reconcile societal expectations with your true desires.
Impact on Relationships: Comphet may also be impacting your relationships with yourself and others. You might find yourself entering into relationships that don’t entirely align with your attractions, leading to dissatisfying and unfulfilling relationships with the potential for harm to both partners involved. On top of this, the inability to live authentically and express your genuine feelings can strain relationships as well as interfere with the development of self-intimacy and balanced, healthy connections.
Coping Strategies
Self-reflection and Exploration: You first have to understand your own attractions to be able to effectively cope with the contradiction between society’s default expectations of attraction and your true desires. Engaging in self-reflection and exploration is a critical step for those struggling with comphet. Fortunately, a therapist can guide you through understanding and accepting your feelings without judgment. Even so, whether it’s in therapy or somewhere else, establishing a safe space for open dialogue can help you to explore your attractions and develop deeper connections with your authentic self as well as other people.
Education and Awareness: Promoting education and awareness about compulsory heterosexuality in broader society is vital for fighting against harmful stereotypes and reducing stigma about sexuality. Educating yourself and others on the origins, societal implications, and common challenges associated with heteronormative expectations can form a foundation for self-reflection and understanding, which eases the process of navigating otherwise confusing experiences. Advocating for inclusivity, acceptance, and celebration of diverse identities helps promote an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their authentic selves.
Community Support: Finding and/or building a supportive community is crucial if you’re feeling alone in your struggle with comphet. Connection with like-minded individuals, such as through support groups, online communities, and LGBTQIA+ events and gatherings, may offer a sense of belonging and understanding. It’s often empowering and validating to know that many people out there share similar experiences. Supportive networks can help you withstand the societal pressure to conform as well as thrive authentically within a community that celebrates diversity.
Affirmative Therapy: Affirmative therapy provides a safe and affirming space for you to explore your sexual orientation without fear of judgment. LGBTQIA+ affirming therapists understand the hardship associated with comphet and work to understand the intersectionality of their clients' identities, acknowledging that experiences of comphet vary based on factors like race, gender identity, and socioeconomic background. In addition to providing emotional support, affirmative therapy will help you foster self-acceptance and learn more coping strategies to overcome comphet. Check out our LGBTQ+ specialties page to learn more and/or connect with one of our therapists who specializes in LGBTQIA+ therapy.
The impact of compulsory heterosexuality can be damaging as it leads to internalized confusion, emotional distress, and strained relationships. However, coping strategies such as self-reflection, exploring your attraction and identity, education, community support, and affirmative therapy, offer pathways to a more genuine and fulfilling life. These tools can empower individuals to not only explore and embrace their true selves but also connect with others who share the experience of battling heteronormative assumptions to encourage celebration of diverse identities and liberation from compulsive heterosexuality. Lastly, it’s important to remember that your journey is valid, and support is available!
